The pants I decided to wear today have really had me in my head today about how people have perceived me. They are a pair of pants that I liked when I bought them or at least saw them online. Then when I first got them had no clue what to wear them with. It was a time that I was first working out and was seeing a change in my physique and was really starting to smell myself. I have had them for at least 6 years and have maybe worn them 6 times.
The way they made me feel today, was like people were looking at me today was that I have no sense of style, no confidence in myself and was just not a pleasant person to be around. I have never gotten much into how clothes can make you feel or how they can make people think of you. I will say that I had a lot of thoughts come to mind while I was walking back home from the metro. I thought about how I am tired of going out in groups and always feeling like the odd man out. I usually feel this way when I am hanging with people significantly younger than me. Another thought that came across my mind is how people seemed to be surprised at things I am able to do when I do them. There are rare moments when I surprise myself of things I can do, but most of the time I feel like its stuff everyone should be able to do if they tried. I also realize I don’t own my strength and the things I can withstand and not withstand.
Another thought came to my mind is how I need to learn to speak up for respect in certain aspects of my life. I need to clear up the intentions of holding on to certain relationships the way they are so I can make space for a better relationship with myself.