Weddings and holidays seem to put me in my feelings more and more as of late. Weddings because if I do get fortunate to be invited, I feel alone to a certain extent because I don’t have a mate or partner to attend with me and have to find a plus one or go alone. That’s if I get invited. This weekend two people that I kind of felt I would have been invited to their weddings, I didn’t even get an invitation. I think outside of not being able to go, I felt neglected. When it comes to friendships, I have always had a hard time figuring out and knowing where I fall in someone’s life of importance as a friend. As I sit here writing this, I am literally tearing up because I felt like a horrible person as a friend. I feel like a horrible person as a friend. I feel like the people don’t want one in their lives and I have no true value to them.
The holiday seasons are harder for me especially with not being home and having lost family members who made the holidays very special to me as a child. I think because I am truly transitioning into more adult responsibilities and making decisions for my future, it is challenging. Especially because some of the people I have lost as of recent had been some of my biggest cheerleaders and now my cheering section feels quieter and smaller. It is hard for me to be a strong cheerleader for myself, but it is evident I need to do that more so I don’t rely on so many other people for my happiness.